


how (not) to put on a condom

by karasunonolibero



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Humor, Pornstars, but no actual sex, for a pornstar au it’s really lacking in porn, sex jokes abound
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-25 03:54:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21531301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karasunonolibero/pseuds/karasunonolibero
Summary: “Stop that! You just pulled your dick off!” Bokuto chastises him. “Put it back!”“Fine, fine.” Kuroo holds the banana over his groin and looks up at Bokuto expectantly. “What now, Lord of the Condoms?”~or, pornstars Bokuto and Kuroo try to film an informational sex ed video.
Relationships: Bokuto Koutarou & Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 11
Kudos: 46





	how (not) to put on a condom

**Author's Note:**

> take this ridiculous thing! it's based on one of my favorite (and least informative) videos in the world, [how to put on a condom with max ryder and chase austin](https://youtu.be/1qMTuNtmFEQ) and i just Had to do a bokuroo au. enjoy!

There are some sentences Bokuto Koutarou never thought he’d say. But here he is, straddling a half-naked Kuroo’s hips and chastising him for removing his dick.

Their studio thought it would be a good idea to post some home videos covering the basics of safe sex, as though to show they were an Aware Porn Company. Bokuto isn’t sure how many people are going to watch this, but it counts as one of his shoots for the week and he’s getting paid to hang out with his best friend, so he really won’t complain. While he sets up the camera, Kuroo arranges himself on his bed and busies himself sticking a banana in his pants.

“Should my shirt be on or off for this?” Bokuto muses. “I mean, I’d hate for the very important message to be obscured by my amazing abs.”

“I’m taking mine off,” Kuroo calls from the bed, tossing his off the side of the bed. “It’s just more comfortable.”

“Then I’ll leave mine on,” Bokuto declares. “For contrast.”

“That doesn’t even make sense.”

“Of course it does!” Bokuto presses record, grabs a handful of condoms off his desk, and throws himself on the bed. “Hey hey hey! I’m Bokuto Koutarou, and this is…”

“Kuroo Tetsurou,” Kuroo says after a moment’s pause.

“And today we are going to teach you how to put on a condom. In case you don’t know or you’ve just been doing it wrong your whole life. We’ll show you! Condoms are the only way to protect yourself from STIs. Also pregnancy.”

“There are like two dozen different ways to keep yourself from getting pregnant that’s not a condom.”

“I’m just saying, this is one of the ways. So first thing you do is get a condom.” Bokuto holds up a handful. “You can get these, like, anywhere. Just get one. That’s step zero.”

“Because you can’t put on a condom if you don’t have a condom!” Kuroo adds.

“Right! So first, you want to open it. Don’t use your teeth.” He glances at Kuroo. “Do you think it’s hot when a guy does that? Like…” He sticks the wrapper in his mouth.

Kuroo shrugs. “It’s okay. I mean, I guess it could be hot in the moment, but you doing that right now is not hot.”

“Bold words for a man who’s fucked me at least like five times.”

“It’s called being a professional,” Kuroo says haughtily.

“Anyway! Don’t use your teeth. Otherwise the condom might break and then that defeats the whole purpose.” Bokuto sits back, expecting the strip to tear right off. Except it doesn’t.

“Give me that,” Kuroo says after he struggles with it for a minute. “Jesus, what the fuck?”

“Give it back.” Bokuto snatches it and rips the packet open with his teeth.

“You literally just said not to use your teeth!”

“Oops.” Bokuto holds up the torn condom. “So that’s why you don’t use your teeth. That’s what not to do. So have more than one in case something like this happens. Also,” he says, staring at the camera, “don’t use scissors or then you might just cut it in half and that’s the opposite of what you want.”

“They should make these easier to open,” Kuroo observes while Bokuto reaches for a new condom. “Once when I was shooting, we took a break for me to put on the condom before we started up again except it took so long to get it open, he was soft by the time I was ready. It was embarrassing.”

“Aha!” Bokuto crows, grabbing the condom in triumph and kneeling up to straddle Kuroo’s hips. “Okay, so you’ve got the condom out. Hopefully it doesn’t take as long as it took me. Don’t unroll it yet or it won’t work and then you’ll have to start all over.”

“I don’t think that’s true.”

“So now you’re ready to get to the good part. You’re gonna get their dick out, like this. Wait, can you hold this?”

“You want me to hold the condom? Shouldn’t you have gotten my dick out first?”

“Just—okay, pro tip, get your partner’s dick out first. Otherwise you’re going to have to awkwardly do this.” Bokuto sticks the condom in the middle of Kuroo’s chest.

“This…okay.” Kuroo, ever the helpful one, unzips his jeans while Bokuto grabs for the banana and holds it upright.

“Okay, so you want the dick to be hard before you put the condom on. It’s just easier. Lucky for me, Kuroo’s already hot and horny,” he teases, wiggling the banana.

“That’s awful.” Kuroo runs a hand through his already-horrendous hair and plucks the condom off his chest. “Take this back, I don’t want it there anymore. It’s making my chest sticky.”

“Hold your dick up for me, would you?”

Kuroo snickers, taking the banana and holding it up to his face to examine it. “I feel like I’m in high school sex ed again.”

“Stop that! You just pulled your dick off!” Bokuto chastises him. “Put it back!”

“Fine, fine.” Kuroo holds the banana over his groin and looks up at Bokuto expectantly. “What now, Lord of the Condoms?”

“Please take those words and put them back in your mouth.”

“Or,” Kuroo says, wiggling his eyebrows and jerking the banana, “you could take _this_ and put it in your mouth.”

“Good point! You can,” Bokuto says to the camera, “use condoms for blowjobs. It’s actually a good idea. So thank you, Kuroo.”

“Glad to be of service.”

Actually putting on the condom goes off without a hitch. By the time Bokuto’s finished fussing with it, he’d say he did a damn good job teaching whoever’s watching how to put on a condom.

“And there we are,” Kuroo says, taking the banana and waving it in front of the camera.

“You did it again! That banana is your dick!”

“It’s already on, it doesn’t need to be in my pants!”

Bokuto grins brightly at the camera. “Anyway, as you can see, that’s how to put on a condom the basic way. Once you get used to it and if you trust your partner—”

“Actually, after today, I _don’t_ trust you—”

“Then you can start doing tricks with it. One of them, if you’re feeling spicy, is to keep rolling the condom down and snap it over the balls, too. Some people are into that.”

“That’s absolutely _not_ what a condom is for.”

“Oh, sorry, is that a hard limit?” Bokuto teases him. “Anyway, now you’re ready to have sex with anyone. Anything.”

“Anything?”

“Any alien.”

Kuroo looks straight at the camera. “You hearing this, Oikawa?”

Bokuto hoots out a laugh, flopping on Kuroo’s chest. “Oikawa Tooru found dead in his apartment.”

“With an alien dildo in his ass, probably.”

Still giggling, Bokuto sits up, pushing the banana to the side. “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy.”

“I mean, yeah,” Kuroo says after a beat. “Give me that back, I’m hungry.”

“This just had a condom on it.”

“Yeah, well I’m not eating the outside of it, am I?”

Bokuto peels the condom off and hands him the banana. “Oh yeah, you eat that,” he leers.

“Go away. I’m getting my potassium.” Kuroo glares at him as he bites.

“Oh, fuck, we’re still filming. Akaashi is going to kill me for making him edit this.”

“That’s literally his job.”

“Yeah, well. He always yells at me when I fuck around too much and ruin the scenes and he has to edit it out.”

“Then why aren’t your videos only like four minutes long?”

“Hey!”

~

A week later, Bokuto wakes up to a barrage of texts from Oikawa.

**From Tooru** : I DO NOT HAVE ALIEN DILDOS

 **From Tooru** : I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE WANTED TO FUCK AN ALIEN

 **From Tooru** : THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU KOUTAROU FSDHASDAISWJKDSJH

It’s too damn early for Oikawa’s whining. He texts back.

**To Tooru** : stop yelling it’s only nine in the morning

 **To Tooru** : what are you even talking about when have i said anything about an alien dildo

 **From Tooru** : THE VUDEO

 **From Tooru** : THE CONDOM VIDEO

 **From Tooru** : WHICH WAS NOT EVEN VERY INFORMATIVE

 **From Tooru** : TWO VIRIGINS COULD DO A BETTER PROJECT THAN YOU TWO

 **From Tooru** : AER YOU TELLING ME U DON’T REMENEBR

 **To Tooru** : OH LMAP

 **To Tooru** : LMAO

 **To Tooru** : totally thought akaashi was gonna edit that out

 **To Tooru** : guess he didn’t

 **From Tooru** : YOU FUCKINF DOUCHE IH ATE BOTH OF YOU

 **From Tooru** : NOW ENNOSHITA WANTS ME TO DO AN ALIEN-THEMED SCENE

 **From Tooru** : WITH FUZCKING USHIWAKA

 **From Tooru** : THIS IS YOUR FAULT KOURAROU

 **To Tooru** : ok but isn’t getting abducted by aliens and probed like ur ultimate fantasy

 **From Tooru** : SHUT THEUFSDHUCK

**Author's Note:**

> please do not use these utterly unhelpful condom tips at home h e h 
> 
> but as always, thank you for reading! visit me on [tumblr](http://karasunonolibero.tumblr.com), if you feel so inclined x


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